Post by kyle on Aug 9, 2011 16:37:00 GMT -5
MEMORIES CONSUME LIKE OPENING THE WOUND I'M PICKING ME APART
'CAUSE INSIDE I REALIZE I'M THE ONE CONFUSED
Kyle wasn't exactly having the night of his life. His life wasn't bad enough that his dream would be spent on a couch in the Slytherin common room, facing sleeplessness. No - even if it wasn't as exciting as half of the rest of the population's, it wasn't that bad. Never would be - not with the people that he kept around him. He sighed, and rested his book down on the floor, not wanting to read it at the moment. Really, he was only trying to pass the time, trying to make it so that he either got sleepy enough to catch a little bit of sleep or pass enough time that it would be morning before he knew it. Not that he would be that lucky. Kyle was an insomniac - someone that had constant trouble sleeping at night. Usually, he would get four to five hours a night, tops. On the worst nights, he'd get an hour to an hour and a half. He almost always got sleep, though these past nights weren't the usual. He'd been two days without sleep, this night being the third. Most people would ask why. After all, most insomniacs had a reason why they couldn't sleep. The reason could be physical, mental, or otherwise - but there would be a reason. Kyle didn't have a reason, besides genetics, which he blamed wholeheartedly. His father had been an insomniac, and his father's father had been one, too. He found it stupid that something as useless as insomnia ran down his line, but he was used to the thought of it by now. Despite that, on nights like these, he couldn't help but feel unlucky. It wasn't as if there was anything for him to occupy his mind with. The Slytherin common room was quite boring, especially when it was empty, as it was at two o'clock in the morning.
He rolled his eyes and picked his book back up. It was a History of Magic textbook, on one of the many Goblin Wars. Since he found it impossible to stay focused during Binns' class, even though he was awake, he took it upon himself to learn the material. Even if this meant he had to go out of his way a little bit when he was studying, his OWLS were this year, and they were important - more than any other test his year of peers had taken in their academic career so far. He wasn't a bookwom, but he did care about his grades. Maybe if they were good enough, he wouldn't have to get marked. Maybe if they were high enough, his father would spare him from the same fate that he had ended up with. Maybe if his grades were just that inhumanly good, he wouldn't have to go into an arranged marriage with Rei, and he could be happy by himself, just as he wanted to be. Then again, all of those were very unlikely to happen, except for him passing his OWLS with flying colors. With the way he did his school work and studied, there was no way he'd fail. But that was despite the point. Really, he didn't have to get good grades to maintain his reputation. After all, there were many Slytherins that had grades down the toilet, but because they were pureblooded Slytherins from olde money families, that little fact didn't matter. A little bit of money could get you anywhere, as he'd learned way too quickly in his life, and he found that everyone in Slytherin that didn't try to work, didn't have to. They had other ways of getting out of school and getting into a high paying Ministry job where all they had to do was sign there names on the x beside the dotted lines. Kyle found it so disheartening that such laziness and arrogance was rewarded, but then again, when had the world ever been fair? Not any time that he could remember.
It was late at night, times like these, that Kyle did most of his thinking. He didn't know why, but when he couldn't sleep, everything and anything came to his mind. Maybe things that he had pushed away one day that he had deemed irrelevant, or events that had happened that he just didn't want to relive. Even though he'd had a rather good childhood for someone of his status, he still felt like he would've been better off...better off what, being a muggleborn? His mind was almost shouting at him with that statement, and he had to with-hold a snort. Yeah, he probably would've been better off with no status, no money, and no important last name. He found it stupid that connections and money were all that could get you high in the world. Honestly, that was what he'd been taught, but he didn't believe one word of it. How could hard work not get you anywhere? His father had said that hard work was for people that didn't have any other choice. Did he have other choices? Yeah. Merlin, he had dozens of other choices. Did he work hard? Merlin, yes. He worked hard at everything he did. With his determination, he wouldn't let himself do anything less than his best. Did he think that the things that pureblooded families taught their children was utter rubbish? Ding ding ding - that was exactly what he thought. Then again, he'd never get a chance to say that. Really, children to wizarding families were trophies. They'd be their future, and so they had to be as polished as possible before entering the real world. Kyle snorted at the thought - his father had been the one to fall down on his job for the Taylors. Even though Kyle was someone that most mothers and fathers would be proud of, in no means was he a brainless clone for his line. Kyle had a mind that didn't have cobwebs hanging around it from not using it in so long. That was where his father had failed him. Then again, Kyle had to be glad for it - after all, if he'd succeeded, then wouldn't he have been just another Malfoy? Just another Black? Just another Greengrass or Parkinson? The thought made him shudder in the semi-darkness of the common room.
He shut the book again. He was giving up on reading for the night - there was now too much on his already slightly unfocused mind for him to take anything in, much remember it more than half an hour later. He'd have to take another set of time at another date and set something up so that he got enough time to read the rest of this war, and take notes on it, so he'd have them to reference back for his tests. Kyle ran a hand through his hair and stared into the fireplace. The worst thoughts came to his mind at night, sometimes. Thoughts of his mother, thoughts of past family, thoughts of his father - thoughts of everything, really. Thoughts of everything and anything, and usually those thoughts were things that he pushed away so much that they bombarded his mind when he was on his lowest guard setting. He hated thinking like this - he hated sitting in a quiet place and just thinking. He loved the quiet - he loved spending time by his lonesome, doing nothing but relaxing, but that was usually done outside, and during the day. Not at night when he couldn't sleep, and hadn't slept for two days prior, as well. Maybe he was just delusional in his slightly sleepless fit. After all, in England, weren't you legally insane after three days of no sleep? Or was that France? He sighed. He didn't remember at the moment. Even though he was born in England, Kyle's mother had been a French pureblooded woman by the maiden name of Ariana Devereux. He had learned French in her honor, when she'd died giving birth to him, and he found it important that he'd also studied the french culture. Even though he'd never been there, he wanted to go there one day. He wanted to visit his mother's childhood home, he wanted to see what her brother was like - he wanted a glimpse into her life. He'd never known the woman, and so he wanted to get to know her better than what his father could get out on the nights that he was drunk and didn't realize what he was saying. Michale had never told Kyle anything about his mother when he'd been sober, and Kyle knew that would never change. After all, Michale had, apparently, been in severe pain when he'd lost his wife. And that had been due to Kyle. Even though Michale had thoroughly implied that he blamed Kyle, especially when he was in a rage over whatever reason he'd come up wih to get mad and yell at his son next, Kyle had never blamed himself. Ater all, he'd been a baby. How could he kill someone after just being born? Michale was just looking for someone to blame, in his mind. Anyone to blame but his late wife.
Kyle stood up abruptly, shaking his head. He shouldn't have been thinking like this. He shouldn't have been thinking about any of this. Really, he should've been asleep. None of this mattered to his present, to his future. Kyle was a firm believer that he could build a proper future for himself without looking back to the past. Of course, every chance they got, his family would crush that thought, and try to keep it that way. For most, Kyle didn't seem like a hopeful person. And he wasn't. Kyle was a pessimist, a misanthrope, someone who didn't believe that hope was anything more than a waste of time. He looked at the glass like it was half empty, and that was that. It would never change - not even Reila expected him to change his way of thinking. Reila...his current girlfriend, and best friend since childhood. Kyle could never really tell her that he didn't love her. Well, that was a lie. He did love her - she was his best friend, and the closest thing he would ever have to family. But did he love her romantically? No. There were no romantic feelings there, despite him being the one to have asked her out first, and then asking her to be his girlfriend. Really? She was the girl that his father had arranged to marry him - and that was that. He had no say in the situation. He didn't know if Rei had actually realized that they would be getting married one day, even though they were only fifteen. He never knew with her. Despite them being best friends, he couldn't read her like a book. She couldn't read him like a book. Their friendship stopped at a certain point, and that was something that Kyle was quite happy about. He didn't want her knowing everything about him - he was the only person that could know everything about himself. And that would be the way things stayed - permanently. He hadn't realized that he'd started to pace, but when he did realize, he stopped himself. That was a nervous habit - he didn't show nervousness. That was a weakness - and Taylors weren't weak. They were strong, industrialistic machines that did what they had to do and came out on top every time. He sat back down and sighed. He was driving himself crazy. He'd take one minute, calm himself down, try to rid his mind of the thoughts currently plaguing them, and then go back to bed. He could really use some sleep - and even if it wouldn't come naturally to him - he had to try. That would help, at least. Relaxtion was key, or something like that, his muggle studies teacher had once said. Muggle studies...? Was he really thinking about this right now? He held back a snort. He wondered what Rei would think of him right now, with his random and rambling train of thought...she'd probably think him insane. And that would be that. He smirked to himself. Only Aureila.
TAGGED ?! rei!
WORD COUNT ?! twenty fifty three. xDD
MUSE ?! it sort-of exploded.
NOTES ?! it's humongous. xdd sorry love!
CREDITS ?! template goes to laina of tno. lyrics go to linkin park, with their song breaking the habit. graphics go to MEL BELL?! of caution 2.0.
